Please stop trying to teach me. At 41 I have had a life of trying to fit into the box others have created. Honestly I’m tired of it. I don’t fit in your box and I would really like it if you would stop bringing up the box and just let me, be me.
What is this box? Well, it has to do with the way I process my writing and reading. I can’t tell you how many times people say, “Let me just teach you how to write and read.” I look at them with surprise, like they have any idea what they are talking about. Don’t you think I’ve tried? Grammar, sentence structure, and spelling are foreign to me. I’m sorry but it’s not going to work. I hate to be so bold, but please stop. I have come to the conclusion that no matter how hard I try to learn the way you do, it will not work. I’m not trying to be a bummer, and trust me I’m not a quitter, it’s just….. you’re being rude. Yes, rude. Continue reading
One of the first things you will notice about a child with Autism is that they will not look at you in the eyes. They look away. I was fortunate a few years ago to work with some older children with Autism who could talk. I asked a young man why he and other children with Autism do not look people in the eyes. He said “I don’t look people in the eye as I can see the darkness in people.” Continue reading
Washing dishes by hand when I am alone is relaxing. I think it’s due to the warm water running and the sound of the water. I get lost in my thoughts. It’s my way of transitioning to other activities. I can look out the window and think about my day.
As the water ran over my hands and the soap moved in waves of bubble mounds, I tilted the pan just enough to have the mound of bubbles drip over the muffin pan. The flat tin bottom longed to be clean. Then I saw it. A bubble heart! Then in the same moment that I recognized it I pushed the pan toward the running water and it was gone. I was disappointed that I did not get a photo of this lovely moment between me and God that showed His love for me. Then my faith became great, growing from a mustard seed to a hot air balloon. “He can just do it again!” Excited to see it I began asking and then rocking the pan back and forth over the water, waiting and watching for it, swish, swish, swish.
Not long after I saw it again: a soapy heart to me. From the God of everything. I set it down carefully and took a photo of it. Floating on His love. I was not surprised at all that He did it. Yet this is incredible! Did it really happen? Yes indeed, the love that He shows me is so gentle and just for me. He always finds a way to reach each one of us in the way we need. Through a sun rise, a random lady bug, or a soapy heart made of bubbles. He is love.
I have dyed my hair for over 10 years, first for fun and then out of perceived necessity. As the gray started slipping in around my face I tried hard to hide it. I would get irritated when I would look in the rear view mirror at the scalp grays peaking through.
Last summer when I went back home to Montana I visited my best friend from high school. The first thing out of her mouth was “YOU have more gray hair then me,” almost with a neener neener neener tone in her voice. She was making fun of me. What did I do? Continue reading
Forgiveness can only truly happen through God. What I have learned is that hatred eats at you. It makes being around the person that you hate impossible. It’s impossible to wish them good tidings and happiness or to encourage them in the happy moments of their life.
I have spent a good portion of my life hating one person who hurt me. Continue reading
Being a step mom is the best and hardest job you will ever do.
It was February 2008. I got off the plane to meet Keith for the first time and to spend Thursday through Monday with him and his daughter. I knew that he had a daughter, and since I knew and understood children’s behavior I figured it would be a piece of cake.
I asked some of my students with split homes what can I do better then your step parents did. One girl told me to give Cassie time with her Dad alone and not make either of them feel bad about it.
I had worked with young kids forever in a school setting, but this was different. Cassie was ten years old and we weren’t in school. We picked her up to head to our church’s family camp. I had gotten off that plane with a bag of goodies for her. I was prepared. Continue reading
Fall has started in our small town. I was leaving the store one day and passed by the flowers display and this caught my eye. In the center of this sunflower a love note from God. It jumped out at me. Such a blessing to be able to see these notes from him.
My cursor hovered over the Submit button on the online test for a class I took. Years of hopes to have my own autism center—seven years to be exact—hung in the balance. I clicked the button and held my breath. The results came up and I missed the recommended passing score by two questions.
Minutes before I had pleaded with God to allow me to pass the class. You know the moment, you’ve been there. I’m sure have asked God for such help. I wrote it out on on scrap paper “God help me. Me. God help me. I will do your will, just help me do your work God. Help me. Help me pass this test, Lord, if that is your will. I will be joyful either way, Lord, whatever your will is.”
Then I hit Submit….. 154.5 and I needed 157.5. Just two questions. Could I have done anything different? Studied more, learned more, watched more videos? Or is this God’s “No” that I have been refusing to listen to? Was I pushing towards my will through the tasks for this certificate program? Does He not want me to have a center for families who have been impacted by autism? Does He want me to stay where I am and not move? Does He have another plan to allow the grandfather-clause paper work that I filled out in April to be moved through and that verdict will be unveiled in a few months? Is this not His will or not His time? Was I too busy looking over the questions and test and planning that I failed to see that God wanted me to submit to Him and not to submit to the test? Could it be true that I didn’t pass or did I do the math wrong? Will this all matter in 50 years? In my eternity?
Or do I just need to work harder, be more focused, learn the last 31% of the material? Just need to do the last push. Be focused on the goal and persevere. Even when you want to give up, when you think you can’t go on. You ask for help and you go on.
Where’s the Heart?
What if I told you that God’s love was at your fingertips, everyday. Something you can smell, touch and look at. All you have to do is look. I have spent the last few years doing just that. The photos that I have taken I have made into a card. Check it out. Some are easy to find; others are hidden. Other photos have many hearts layered in them.
When I see a heart that God has made it’s His way of saying “I love you.” When times are hard, when you lose someone and when the unknown is approaching stop, I take a deep breath, and become present. Present in the moment. Then I look. Every time,I find one. These cards are just a few that I have found over the last year. Enjoy.